Breathe In ~ Breathe Out

So this is a total bitch, venting, want to beat my child's ass, wanting to cry post.  I've had an interesting week.  I think I'm getting sick (like a cold/flu type thing), I had the pleasure to listen/watch the creator of Slam Poetry, Marc Smith, I got to read some of my poetry/writings in front of interested students, staff and faculty at the school I work at for the first time in my life and then there was last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was like most days; I struggle to wake-up and wind up sleeping much later than I should making myself rush around, yell at the kids for not moving fast enough because I woke up late, skip breakfast, forget my lunch, get to work just in time, find ambition and energy for my data processing job, pretty much skate through my work counting the hours, minutes and seconds until I can put my coat on, grab my purse, my bag and quietly sneak off to my car a few minutes earlier than the rest of the staff so I don't have to converse with anyone on the way out the doors.  I am, for the most part, socially inept.  It sucks...but I'm getting better. 

For the past couple weeks I've been having little, teeny, tiny panic/anxiety attacks...which makes me feel like I'm having small heart attacks...because, well, I am panicking.  I don't know why I have them, I just do; stress or no stress.  So, in light of that, I should have seen last night coming, but I didn't. 

Last night I had a pretty severe panic attack.  I was home alone with my 9 year old so trying to compose myself, not cry, freak out and lock myself in the bathroom, get in the car and drive around with the radio cranked up or just hide was a bit difficult.  My husband was at the dentist (monopolizing the use of one car) and my oldest was out with a friend (monopolizing the use of our 2nd car) causing trouble (I'll get to that in a second).  So I had no other option but to sit on the couch quietly, holding my breath, my mind spinning like a fucking F5 tornado and try not to lose it. 

Well, to make it worse, my daughter decided she wanted something to eat right at that exact time.  It was fairly cold on the 1st floor of my house and like a dumbass I wasn't wearing socks so my feet got super, super cold.  When my feet get cold (and this happens mostly in the winter), my toes go numb.  Most of the time I can bring them back to life by wiggling them around quickly for 30 seconds or hold them in my hands to warm them up.  Last night, in the midst of my very beautiful panic attack, I go into the kitchen to make her something to eat and noticed that not only 3 of my toes on my left foot were now numb but it felt like a part of the top of my foot was going numb.  It could have been from sitting in a fucked up position in the big frumpy chair in our living room or the cold or a combination of the two...I don't know.  But at that very second, it totally fucked with me and my panic attack went from worse to colossal!!!!!  UGH!!!!!!!

I medicated, sat on the couch, turned on American Idol to watch with my now curiously inquisitive daughter, put on 2 pairs of socks, rubbed my foot back and forth on the floor quickly (to cause friction was my purpose for doing that) then put them in a pair of slippers and wrapped them in a heavy fleece blanket.  About 10 minutes later, I had calmed down a bit, feeling came back in my foot/toes and I felt stoned from the meds I took to calm down...but I was better.  That was about 8:30pm.  The husband got home from his dentist appointment around 8:45 and that is when my phone rang . . .

. . . I didn't recognize the number.  It started with the area code from my area and wasn't an "800", "866" or an "877" prefix so I figured it wasn't a solicitor or bill collector so I took a chance and answered the call; I normally don't do that.  If the number isn't connected to somebody in my phone book then I don't answer, let it go to voicemail and check it later.  But not this time.  Do you ever get the feeling that something is "bad" just as it's about to happen???  Well this was one of those times...

It was a police officer from a neighboring town calling from a department store telling me that my 17 year old was being held in the security office because she was caught shop-lifting.  OMG!!!  WTF????  "Are you serious?" I asked.  He assured me it wasn't a joke and that I needed to come and pick her up at the police station as soon as I could.  So...having just calmed down from a pretty severe panic attack, well, needless to say, I wasn't happy.  I put my cloths back on as I had already gotten dressed for bed, stuffed my doubled socked feet in my tennis shoes and off I went. 

She's been in trouble with the law a couple/few times before.  Her most recent stint was back in the summer of 2009 and she had to do a bunch of community service and go to a drug class.  That was all done and we went to court to report her "good behavior" and that she "learned her lesson" and she "promised not to get in trouble again" and it was done...that was just last January of 2010.  So, just a year later, she is now going back to court for another arrest of a different nature in front of the same judge that gave her a "last chance".  I can't see this ending well.  And of all things, court is on February 14th!!!!!!!  FML!!!  Really!  Happy Valentine's Day to me . . .

I got home just before midnight last night and couldn't sleep so I stayed up and tried not to think about it.  I said nothing to her the whole way home nor when we got home.  The only thing I said was in front of her to the officer that arrested her and her girl friend.  He made a comment in front of the two girls about "people make mistakes..." and blah, blah, blah.  When her friend and her mom left I said to the officer, "I know that people make mistakes, but, shoplifting is a blatant action that is NOT a mistake.  This wasn't a mistake.  She knows better."  I looked at her and we left.  She said nothing, I said nothing and when I got home I just went to bed.

Today she is home with my sick 9 year old because I can't afford to miss any more work due to this type of nonsense.  My youngest called me to tell me that our dog Karma shit all over the bedroom floor upstairs where she was laying down.  So I told her to tell my oldest to clean it up.  My oldest gets on the phone and says, "I'm going to puke."  I simply said, "Well I cleaned up your shit so it's your turn."

I guess Karma (my dog and actual karma) have a way of coming back to bite people in the ass!

Good times!

Trick or treat, victory or defeat?

As Halloween approached, for the first time ever, my daughter had lots of questions about the subject. In the past we always did not like any of the Halloween stuff, we knew that we celebrated light and salvation in Jesus and that death and darkness were not on the menu at all in the shape of Halloween. But this year, the conversation started with all questions about the history behind Halloween as we researched it before and knew all about its background in the past. My daughter question was “why do not we do something fun and still celebrate light and salvation, celebrated the old way it used to be”. In fact it used to be All Hallows Eve which was tied directly to All Saints Day celebrated on November 1 of each year to commemorate the old saints who have past on. These “saints” were heroes and martyrs for the Christian Faith. This was a tricky discussion for me. As a child growing up in Egypt, we never heard about Halloween, and so as a mother I was happy to follow the church line not to celebrate Halloween. However, I was faced with the dilemma this year with my child clearly understands what she wanted to do and not wanting to be following the crowd blindly and equally wanting to have fun while sticking to our values.

Looking at Christmas, there is so much focus on the tree, the gifts and Santa, does that mean that we will ban Christmas? No, but we will keep the message alive and keep the focus back on what really matter, the birth of the king who saved us.

So when it came to Halloween, I agreed to a small party for few friends, with no death, skeletons or any scary things. We did crafts and played games and visited few houses of people we knew –rather than some glorified begging for sweets- and the kids had fun. I painted their faces and had mine done as well and was praying all thorough the night for God’s protection to be on all of them.

I remember that similar discussion surrounded the harry potter books and whether as christian we should read them or not with the links to witchcrafts and magic and so on. I really believe that if you have your “holy spirits eyes on” you can see God in everything. Before my daughter went to bed tonight, she said that she had a great day, we prayed and thanked God that Jesus is the light of the world and that he conquered everything that is dark and evil. I trust that if i make a big deal out of little things without full explanations and complete convections especially when my daughter is approaching her teens very quickly, it is more likely that she will grow resenting her faith. After all as Cliff always says, “why do we let the devil have all the fun”?

"I am still not sure about God"

This is what my daughter announced as she was settling into bed! At that point we just finished praying and thanking God for the day. She said: "I am still waiting for some scientific evidence to make sure that God created the world". I was surprised by the word "still", as she is only 9 years old and has not been looking for evidence for the existence of God that long! I listened to her as she put all her ideas across and I was really fascinated that no matter how old we are, we are looking for assurance that what we believe deep down is the right thing. She said that the "big bang" doesn't really make sense and that to have come from monkeys was really silly. But she wants to see a sign..a big gesture..then she said.."I have only one thing that I know is true, the bible and it was written by so many different people that it could not have been all made up". I was glad and reassured at this point :) We had some discussion and I love the fact that we can share all the questions, ideas and even the doubts. God is like that with us, he loves us so much and he does not mind when we come to him as his kids and ask all kinds of questions, HE loves us to chat with him more than anything else. As for the time being, I am asking for wisdom, a lot of it and quick!!

Happy Birthday

This is the time of year when I thank God that birthdays are only once a year! just purely for the fact that I needed to organise a birthday party for my daughter. As usual we went through various ideas ranging from the utterly expensive to the ones that will send me to an early grave with worry and bypassing any ideas that involve the words "woods survival skills" or "adventure camping" !

At this point of the planning, I often think about government departments and how they reach ANY kind of decisions as I struggle to reach a decision about a birthday party.

At the end we made a decision and D day arrived and I am glad to report that it was GREAT. We decided to go for a sports party involving canoeing and crate stacking. It was wonderful the the kids had a fantastic time. I also remained calm and in one piece, staying strong on my objection to "jumping in the river after the canoeing".

Just a small question, should organising successful birthday parties be a skill that I should include in my CV in the future? I think so :)

Cake, Candles and Birthdays

I was so busy in the last few days preparing for my daughter birthday party. Lots of organisation and preparation, from invitations to organising food, presents,etc. Deciding on how to design the invitation was like the middle east peace process negotiation. As my daughter wanted the invitation to be in the shape of a little book of information, pictures and stories given to each one of her friends. I voted against giving a "dossier" to each child and at the end we reached a compromise and we agreed to make the invitation long enough but not too long. As my daughter wanted a sport party, the decision was made to go for rock climbing and archery party (instead of cannoning and high rope which I felt was going to push my blood pressure to the limit with all aspects of health and safety). Praise God the party went really well and all had fun and more importantly, all were in one piece by the end of the 4 hour party celebration. At these times, I thank God for his mercy and that birthdays are only once a year. So time for me to have a little rest before we start counting down to Christmas :)

Bring on the excuses

As a parent, I know that kids are very clever and they know which buttons to press. But recently, I awarded my daughter the first prize in inventing excuses to get away from doing homework or music practice, etc. Here are the best excuses she has come up with (so far that is):

*I can not leave the cat alone and do my homework or else I will hurt his feelings
*I do not want to practice my music as my friend is not practising today and I do not want to be the only one who practice
*I need a back massage before I get changed to go to school
*I do not want to go swimming as I will get wet
*I have a bad headache can not do my homework but must watch TV to relax!
*I can not go to sleep because I m so tired (my favourite)

What is in your basket?

Today, I was helping at my daughter's school all morning. It is a great chance for me to give a hand to the teachers and support their work. This is something I have been doing for a long time, but today for the first time I was looking at all the kids in a very different way. I was thinking about Mouses and his mother. This mum was so worried about her little boy, afraid for his life and decided to do something very brave just to -may be- give him anther chance to live. She had no choice, she wanted to try and have one last attempt at saving his life. I was thinking about her getting the basket ready, making it comfortable for little Moses, covering the outside of the basket so it does not sink in the river. When she put her little son in the basket, what did she see? I think she saw a helpless little boy, a baby who can not defend himself, she saw a tiny person looking at her for protection and love. But God saw something else, He saw a leader, a great man, a man who will have problems and make mistakes, but a man who will trust in God and lead Israel.

So, what does that got to do with anything? I felt overwhelmed with the idea about what we see in our basket. seeing the kids today, learning, laughing and having fun made me think that sometimes as parents we see just what is under our nose, but God sees something else in my basket. A great child, a wonderful individual, a promising future. All I need is to tune in to God's vision and see what He sees in my basket.

It is Bond, Jasmine Bond

Last night as my daughter was getting ready for bed she wanted me to make up a story instead of reading a book together. I tried to resist of course (making up stories need rather hard work and concentration) however, she insisted and I started a story under clear instruction avoiding any nasty kings, bad knights or mean witches. So I went about a story that did not have any of the above trying to maintain some kind of excitements at the same time. So I started and said: "Long long ago, lived this nice king with his 4 daughters. One day in his big palace, there was lots of work as everyone was getting ready for the big day, one of the king's princesses was getting married..." before i went on my daughter stopped me and said:"mum, can i ask you something?" I said: "sure, go ahead", then my daughter said: "can you make one of the kings daughters be a spy agent?"

At that point i could not contain my laughter, it was so hilarious and so i asked my daughter if SHE would like to tell me the story, as she has all the ideas, what to include and what not to include, and what kind of daughters the king should have. Now what name could i give this rather nice spy agent? I thought Jasmine would be nice and so we can call the movie (there must be a movie later) "live nicely another day" or something like that!

Robot Mum

Here is the poem that my daughter and her class presented to all the mums for mother's day. Wonderful.

It never gets cross if you're messy
It picks up your rubbish and toys
If it sees a sad film on the telly
It won't make a snuffling noise

It's got a device to make pancakes
And another to polish your shoes
It will sweep up your crumbs from the carpet
Without never blowing a fuse

It shampoos the dog in a jiffy
It does all your homework as well
And never lets on to the teacher
You program it so it won't tell

It makes you whole cities from Lego
Sorts out your socks into pairs
It will cook you a bowl of spaghetti
The same time as cleaning the stairs

But its kisses are cold and metallic
It can't give you hugs if you're glum
It never says how much it loves you
I think I prefer my real mum.

(author anonymous)

Childern In Need? more like Parent In Need

For so many years now, Children In Need been going on as a charity and lots of funds been raised to help lots of people and today it is a big night for comic relief with more fund raising. As I listened to one comedian talking about children in need saying: "when did you ever see a child who is not in need? they are always in need of the latest toy, fashion item, etc". That made me think of starting my own charity: Parents In Need :) This is just about simple needs like
*A good night sleep.
*An uninterrupted bath.
*A small hand bag that actually has YOUR things and not your kids stuff (only mothers know that the size of your hand bag relate to how old are your kids and how many kids you have. The younger the child is the bigger your hand bag size).
*A trip to the shops without buying GOGOs figures or Pokemon cards.
*A night out without having to look for the push chair and then remember that you do not actually have one with you as the kids are already asleep at home.
*Not having to eat the rest of the kids meal (and pretend that you -in fact-love the chicken nuggets cold.
*A time to brush your hair in the morning before you get called to help one of the children in the bathroom.
And so many small requests that will make a difference to tired parents allover the country. Being a parent is a great blessing, so let us give a helping hand to parents and give them a chance to do the wonderful job that God trusted them with. Hooray for Parents In Need.

A History Lesson

History lessons used to be sitting down half asleep in a full class room listening to a middle aged teacher going on about something happened trillion years ago (in the eyes of the students anyway), but not any more. In the last few weeks my daughter's school been working with the kids to learn about the second world war and the climax today was to go to school and relive an evacuation day. The build up to the day has been great with lots of attempt to find suitable cloths that the kids could were to look as kids did back then. There was also another small matter of making a gas mask box with labels, etc. Today, arriving to school we felt as part of history and seeing the kids lining up with their name labels hanging from their outfits looked very strange, they looked like suite cases more than kids. As my daughter protested about her outfit 2 days ago branding it "not cool", I thought that is just the point of this exercise. The day was great and with special WW2 lunch and old time toys, the kids had a wonderful time reliving this part of history. I do not want to think of what they are going to do when they are studying Egyptian mummification techniques!

Pancake day...

Pancake is not only for pancake day but for all year round. This is why we carry on celebrating, any excuse really :) Big Fun
Here are the ingredients for the perfect plain pancakes:
150g self-raising flour, 1 egg, 1 cup (250ml) milk, 1 tablespoon butter, Caster sugar, Lemon. Have fun.

Let it snow..let is snow..let it snow

WOW..So nice to get up in the morning and look out of the window and see this view and this lovely snow. The schools are closed, we are building our fifth snow man this week and it is wonderful to play outside. Of course, being 122 years old (see previous blog) I feel the cold more while the kids are having the time of their life. How we are going to go back to school i am not sure but we are loving it for now and if it is going to be freezing cold, it is better to have the snow with it as well.

Happy Birthday..you are 122 years old!

Happy birthday
Had a wonderful party for my birthday organised by my daughter (with just some help from me). It was her idea to have a party for me. However, i soon discovered that there was another motive behind the idea as my daughter wanted to invite her friends too :) It was so much fun. It was not a significant birthday but still was really good to see my friends and to see my daughter happy organising things for me. After the party, we talked to some of our friends who could not make it to the party and my daughter told them "I had an idea to have a party for mama's birthday as she turned 122 years old" WOW...even though, it was fun...and thank you to all my friends and family for giving me a lovely day.

Meet Rufus

I would like you to meet Rufus, he is this cute little bear my daughter received from the JDRF in the post yesterday. He has diabetes too and he is here to help my daugther and both of them will look after eachother while they live with diabetes. Rufus comes with a prayer by Carol Cramer and here it is: "It is my prayer for every child with diabetes to know that they are loved and accepted for being who they are, never any less beacuse of diabetes. Just as a child loves a teddy bear for being a teddy bear, I made Rufus, the bear with diabetes, to help get this message to children with diabetes, provide comfort during times of uncertainty, and share learning with a partner and team-mate." We were so happy to welcome Rufus into the family and I can say that he is doing really well and setteling in perfectly in his new home.