As the days go on I become more frustrated with how things are playing out. It seems that no matter what I do or say things aren't moving...they simply stay the same. In my little insignificant mind, I feel that I've done what I can to push others into changing with me or to change for the better for themselves but maybe it hasn't been enough. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of what lies ahead in MY future. It sucks knowing that everything I've done over the past 10 years in my marriage and for my kids has left me with nothing. I have some smiles and good memories but most are sad and difficult to think about. I really am not trying to be negative but this IS the honest to goodness TRUTH. This has been my life for the past 10 years. So much so that I feel trapped in this life I've created and I can't get out. Why? Well....I don't know.
I am done feeling sorry for myself, I'm done with the pity party, I'm don't feeling sorry for him and others involved and most of all...I'm done crying. A friend of mine said to me just earlier this week, "You know you're in trouble when my tears aren't good enough to cry for you anymore." It's funny how true that comment hold true to my situation as well. It's funny how you can find inspiration and truth in the oddest places from the most unsuspecting people. So I sit on this fence with one leg on either side of it not knowing which side to jump over to.
One side is just staying in the stale same unmoving place I'm at right now and have been for the past 10 years and the other is "The Unknown". The "current" place/side is like my comfort zone. I can't say that it's a safe zone as it's posed as a mentally hazard place for me for years. It's what I know and the familiarity of it calls to me and threatens to pull me in every day; but I fight it. "The Unknown" side also tugs at my coattails but because it' s unfamiliar and "unknown" it scares me...sometimes so much that I go into a panic attack.
Because I'm so unhappy I've been trying to find happiness in places that I normally wouldn't. I've found happiness in being asked to read some of my poetry to the students at the high school I work at, working out and feeling exhilarated afterwards, entering something I just wrote on a whim in an "In-Thread Writing Competition" in the forums I chat in or even finding some extra sleeping time during the day. Are these things that I should be happy about? Or are these just tiny distractions to divert my attention away from the real issues I have and facing them head on? Or is this just all a part of my separating myself from him and moving on so I am stronger if or when the time comes to jump to "The Unknown" side of the fence?
I just don't know. However, one thing I do know is that I cannot live this way for another 10 years. We've talked about moving away and finding jobs in another state or even in another country (like Canada) but I seriously believe that changing our surrounding cannot change our situation. I've been there, done that, cried about it and got over it only to walk right back into the web that I just cut myself free from. It has proved to be very counter-productive.
This all makes me very sad. Not sad in the way of crying; I've shed all the tears I possible can over this, but sad in the way that there is a heaviness resting upon my heart. Some days it hurts so bad that I feel like I can't breath and other days I walk around with an arrogance about myself like I just don't care...neither of these "alter"-personalities are me...not in the least. I truly don't know who I am anymore and it's breaking me down...
I am done feeling sorry for myself, I'm done with the pity party, I'm don't feeling sorry for him and others involved and most of all...I'm done crying. A friend of mine said to me just earlier this week, "You know you're in trouble when my tears aren't good enough to cry for you anymore." It's funny how true that comment hold true to my situation as well. It's funny how you can find inspiration and truth in the oddest places from the most unsuspecting people. So I sit on this fence with one leg on either side of it not knowing which side to jump over to.
One side is just staying in the stale same unmoving place I'm at right now and have been for the past 10 years and the other is "The Unknown". The "current" place/side is like my comfort zone. I can't say that it's a safe zone as it's posed as a mentally hazard place for me for years. It's what I know and the familiarity of it calls to me and threatens to pull me in every day; but I fight it. "The Unknown" side also tugs at my coattails but because it' s unfamiliar and "unknown" it scares me...sometimes so much that I go into a panic attack.
Because I'm so unhappy I've been trying to find happiness in places that I normally wouldn't. I've found happiness in being asked to read some of my poetry to the students at the high school I work at, working out and feeling exhilarated afterwards, entering something I just wrote on a whim in an "In-Thread Writing Competition" in the forums I chat in or even finding some extra sleeping time during the day. Are these things that I should be happy about? Or are these just tiny distractions to divert my attention away from the real issues I have and facing them head on? Or is this just all a part of my separating myself from him and moving on so I am stronger if or when the time comes to jump to "The Unknown" side of the fence?
I just don't know. However, one thing I do know is that I cannot live this way for another 10 years. We've talked about moving away and finding jobs in another state or even in another country (like Canada) but I seriously believe that changing our surrounding cannot change our situation. I've been there, done that, cried about it and got over it only to walk right back into the web that I just cut myself free from. It has proved to be very counter-productive.
This all makes me very sad. Not sad in the way of crying; I've shed all the tears I possible can over this, but sad in the way that there is a heaviness resting upon my heart. Some days it hurts so bad that I feel like I can't breath and other days I walk around with an arrogance about myself like I just don't care...neither of these "alter"-personalities are me...not in the least. I truly don't know who I am anymore and it's breaking me down...
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