Broken

So I completely lost my cool this morning and let loose on my husband.  He works like 6 days a week most of the time so he has to wake up at his "normal" time on Saturday's to go into work which is like 5am.  Each morning that he has to get up to go to work he feels the need to wake me as well. 

Sometimes he wakes me up by rubbing up on me with various parts of his body, or he turns on every light he can find in the bedroom, bathroom and closet, or he slams things around not trying to be quiet knowing that I might still be asleep, or he just bluntly wakes me up to ask me something that could wait until later. 

I'm not sure why he does it but he does.  I used to wake up when he got up or actually earlier than he would to get his socks and stuff out for him and make his lunch as well as the kids lunches then I would proceed to get myself ready, most of the time running out the door to drop the kids at the sitters or school without grabbing lunch for myself. 

I did that for quite a long time before realizing that making sure my husband had socks and underwear ready for him in the morning was not something that I should have to do.  So I stopped...  It gave me a little more time to sleep a bit longer or more time for myself.  But of course, once my household realizes that I have some "free time" for myself it's not mine any longer.

But anyway, this morning he woke me up again with slamming his brush, leaving lights on and talking.  I went to bed with a headache, a little buzzed from having a few vodka drinks at my neighbors Christmas party and very tired from lack of sleep (well good solid sleep) from tending to a sick kid the past 2 days so I was looking forward to sleeping in...at least until like 7 or 8am.  That didn't happen. 

Well, needless to say, I was ticked off this time and I'd had enough.  I told him that I was sick of being woke up and I was tired of the lack of respect that I am shown when I go out of my way to make sure he gets to sleep in on days he doesn't have to work.  And of course lately, when something little happens that upsets me, I complete freak out about everything that I'm upset about. 

I'm pissed because for the last 10 years I've always gone out of my way to get him nice birthday presents, a nice anniversary present and something he's been wanting for Christmas.  I've gotten nothing.  I am so upset about it and I've finally had enough.  I just don't understand how I've managed to deal with it this long.  But honestly, my being upset goes well beyond not getting a gift, I'm not a materialistic bitch...  He's aware of those things and I won't be a constant reminder of what hasn't been. 

I am just upset that after 10 years of marriage I am unhappy and I am not sure what to do at this point.  I'm confused about how I feel and what I'm going to do about how I feel.  It's a feeling that hurts more than anything I've experienced before and it's literally tormenting my mind and soul.  It shows in everything I do and say now and my skin is feeling the effects of stress.  I've broken out all over and at age 37, pimples are not very becoming.  YUCKO!!!! 

Well, after I bitched him out he then told me he was sorry for fucking everything up and for not being attentive to me.  Now I feel bad but at the same time I feel like I've given so much of myself that I have nothing left to give.  I feel like it's my time to work on myself.  I feel that I can't work on my  marriage now until I figure out how to fix myself.  The same with him.  We can't continue our marriage if we are both broken.  I'm cashed emotionally and it's effecting everything around me...even my kids and that's not fair.  When do you say enough is enough?