This is me...So follow me dammit!

This is for you, yeah, you know who you are.  If you are sitting behind your computer screen, either at your desktop or your laptop you know I’m talking directly to you.  You have gotten to know me, not for the person I really am but for the person I’ve become.  I don’t want you to know that person.  I want you to know ME for the real ME.  So if you have any care in the world to know that person then read on…  I am beginning this blog in a different way as I am now going forward working on me and the person I truly am.  One thing I’ve learned over the past several months is this; sometimes people and/or events happen in our lives and they serve as a catalyst for change or as turning points.  Well, you, my friend, were my catalyst and my turning point; thank you!  I hope I played as one in your life as well and I hope you read on…

After giving this quite a bit of thought over the long holiday weekend I made the painful realization that I have become a blubbering, overly-emotional, spiritless little girl.  Well, I am really not that kind of person and that is why I chose to end my previous blog named "Babbleings...".  It was a bunch of crying about things that I knew and still know that I cannot change or control.  I do have control issues; what can I say, I am female...but don't we all have issues with control to some extent?

So here I am; and this is me...or something like that.  In my search for myself, I again, lost myself and that is not at all what I set out to do.  I have turned into an insecure, unorganized, bitter, emotional mess!  THAT IS NOT ME and why I thought that someone would want to love me for that person?  Well, that is beyond me.  It was a delusional thought that, quite simply, is not what I wanted.  I let it manifest itself inside my spirit and make a home there.  I want to be loved by friends and family for the person I really am; the one underneath all the layers I’ve let pile up over my true self for the past 8 - 10 years.

It would be easy to sit here behind this computer screen and keyboard and blame many things for my disorganization, insecurities and emotional baggage but I won't.  Basically, it is my own fault that I am in this mess.  Sure, events and other people have contributed to my TEMPORARY, yet, overall state of digression but to say that I was not in some way responsible for this mess is just absurd.  So I am admitting right now to whomever may read this that it is my fault…well at least 90% of it anyway. 

For those of you reading this that don’t know me I’ll give you a quick summary of who I am then what I am going to work on becoming and doing (if any of you can offer help me with these things I welcome that) J:

Who I Am (Well who I know I am…)

I am an outspoken (sometimes to a fault), strong-willed, sarcastic, organized, creative, fun, original, unique, caring and passionate woman.  I am strong in many ways emotionally and physically.  I am a mom and not just to my own children; I have been a support to others in a motherly sort of way without misgiving many times throughout the last 17 years that I’ve been a mom.  I am passionate about everything I do and I mean everything. 

I am very understanding; again, to a fault of my own.  I’m a great listener but I also like to talk; I’ve been told that I have a motor-mouth.  I like people; I like being around people, chatting with people, debating with people and watching people.  I like looking at what others would see as a hopeless situation and finding the good and opportunity in it.  I’m a dreamer.  I am a very busy person; not in the sense of not having time but I like to be doing something…always.  It’s very hard for me to sit still.  I don’t sleep well and when I do, I grind my teeth, snore and talk in my sleep.  I come from a large farm family and we might be a little loud but it’s fun and I love that.  One of my guilty pleasures is writing erotica and reading it as well.  The forbidden has always posed a personal thrill for me. 

I like Starbucks.  I love Thai food and sushi.  I love motorcycles and fast cars.  I love watching drag races or sprint car races although I’m really not into NASCAR.  I would, someday, love to build my own race car and take it down the drag strip.  I like getting my nails done and I keep them long but I don’t mind getting my hands dirty whether it be gardening or cooking/baking.   I make jewelry and it is a dream of mind to open up my own bead store.  I love to write and want to create a book of my poetry (if I can find it all) and short stories.  I also would love to find someone to help put music to some of my words.  I think that would be fun as a hobby.  I love to sing karaoke and have been told that I sound like Pat Benatar.  I want to learn to draw better and learn how to tattoo.  I have several tattoo’s (8 to be exact) and want 2 more, want to cover up one and I want a ½ sleeve…I would like to create my ½ sleeve (again any help with that would be lovely). 

I love fairies and fantasy stuff like dragons and other cool mythical creatures and I love wizards.  I love Harry Potter and the Chronicles of Narnia.  I love watching kid’s cartoons like Chowder and Sponge Bob.  I have a Sponge Bob candy dish (it’s actually an Easter basket I cut the handle off of) on my desk at work.  I love blues, blues rock and soul music and it’s always better to listen to it live; some of my favorites are Susan Tedeschi, Howlin’ Wolf, Ronnie Baker Brooks, Johnny Lang, Muddy Waters, John Lee Hooker, Joss Stone, Son Seals, Melissa Etheridge, John Legend, Etta James…  I also like classic rock, pop or modern rock, indie and some country, metal and classical; some favorites there are Phoenix, Ida Maria, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, Outkast, Jordin Sparks, Flyleaf, Katy Perry, Enrique Iglasias, Fergie, Journey, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Shania Twain, Godsmack, 5 Finger Death Punch, Black Eyed Peas…I can’t name them all.  I’m always up for listening to new music and genres.  My all-time favorite band is Fleetwood Mac.  Love, love, love them!

But moving on, I worked in construction out in the field with a bunch of men for about 10-14 years off and on (more on than off) so my personality is a bit more abrasive and not so soft and guarded.  I tend to say things how they are without care of what someone else might think.  I have a slight perverse side as well but not gross.  There isn’t much that can offend me as I’ve heard quite a bit.  I now work in a high school so I have to watch what I say and how I say it but when not there I go back to my less modest self. 

I have 2 girls of my own, ages 9 & 17, and a step-daughter, age 20.  I am only 37 but feel like I’m 70.  A car accident impaired me from some movement and certain activities for a couple years and I still don’t have feeling in one of my knees and in certain places on one of my legs but I am getting over much of the mental anguish and physical limitations now.  I am starting to feel more like a 30-something again. 

I have several pets; 2 dogs named Karma & Jax, 2 cats named Snickers & Kohl, 2 snakes named Raiff & Ringo and a bearded dragon named Allie.  We had a fish named ghost but it recently died...not sure why.  I hate diamonds and yellow gold but love sterling silver, platinum and white gold and amethysts & fire opals are among my favorite stones.  I also love turquoise, green jade, black onyx, labradorite and moonstone. 

I think that’s about it really for now; if you want to know more then I guess you’ll have to take the time to get to know me personally.  I think that’s fair. 

But what I plan on doing here is talking about certain issues and events that may have come up during the course of my day if they are worthy of discussion and I’ll post what I’m up to on a somewhat daily basis.  If anyone lives in my area and are interested in joining me for a karaoke night, poetry slam/jam/reading, going to the book store or just a night out let me know!  I’m game!