Change of Scenery

I had all intentions of posting last night but was honestly too exhausted to do so.  I was exhausted, literally depleted.  I read someone else's blog yesterday in its entirety and I am literally very emotionally spent.  I, after reading this one blog in particular, started thinking and the gears began spinning once again as she's been on a similar emotional roller coaster.  Obviously, ruminating over the mishaps that have been haunting me for just a few hours isn't going to change anything that I’ve been struggling over for months now...well actually for years...but it was a start.


In any case, unlike the person's blog I read yesterday, I really don't have many friends that I can turn to, to chat about certain things like this person did.  I don't have anyone to tell me I should just let go and remove myself from a situation that is unhealthy.  Nobody.  That is an arduous reality to endure...but it is the God's honest truth.  Basically my mom and my sister just tell me, "Things will get better" or "Hang in there".  I feel I'm constantly faced with the question of, "Will it get better?  Really, will it?"  I just don't know and I can't seem to reach that area up above me, in this hole, where the light is coming from. 

Today, I have realized again just how used up and spent I really am and how, no matter how much I try to change the scenery, it still doesn't change that the mountains are still there, unmoved.  This is the most difficult part for me; the real challenge.  Not knowing how the future will pan out scares me and I feel like I’ve become more and more separated from everyone around me, including myself, every day.


In reading this very brilliant blog, I also realized some positive things.  First, would be that I have a wonderful family.  I have 3 beautiful, intelligent and very charismatic daughters and I am married to a very hard-working husband.  I also have my health.  ... And there is a lot to be said for that.  But the pleasure, happiness and contentment of having those very simple , yet grandiose possessions escapes me. 

Pretending to have it all together is an immense undertaking in itself.  Every morning I scrape as much energy and ambition I can possibly muster to form some kind of semblance of a human being, wife, mother and co-worker I can just to get by.  I can't wait for the night to come and for bed time to take me away from it all...because in my dreams it's all better.  Nightmares have now faded and left me with the stark reality that is my life.  Your see, it can't be a nightmare when it is actually happening...can it? 

I have to make myself stronger.  I have to forget the pieces of myself that are lost in translation and holding me down, turning me into a blubbering idiot and a walking zombie.  I don't just want this for myself, I need this.  But why do I continue to feel selfish for wanting and needing strength for myself?  It seems that when I try to better myself or I take some time for myself I am taking from someone else that needs my time.  When will it be time for me to have my own time to myself and to be able to take it without judgement or feeling flat-out wrong?  I just don't have that answer...

It seems that everything that I went through back in November, into December has been forgotten about.  It's like someone took an eraser and removed all my words and emotions so I have to start it all over again.  My chalkboard always seemed to be whipped clean only for me to start over...the repetition of it all is going to kill me alone.  I hate being ignored...but I have been for so long.  So...how do I get someone to hear me?

I am posting the words to this song as it reminds me of myself.  The chorus isn't for anyone other than myself.  Self-acceptance is something I need to work on...I think this explains how I feel...

"Fuckin' Perfect" by Pink
Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life


Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around


Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less then fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me


Your's so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.


So complicated, look how we are making
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)


Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less then fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me


The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
It's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cos there everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Strange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?


Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less then fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, then you're fucking perfect to me
(you're perfect, you're perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

How true is that...really!?  So many of us want to change things about ourselves, our habits and our lives but yet we choose to sit and bitch.  Bitching about the things we wish were different won't change anything.  It is what it is.  Unless you, yourself, take the necessary steps to change the things you do not like then they will remain the way they are. 

I, regrettably, am one of those people and have recently learned that stewing about the things that upset me and not making a change has hindered the rest of my life in many different ways.  Not embracing change as a fact of life and rolling with it's punches has not allowed me to live my life to the fullest and get the things I need and want.  So I bitched about it and stewed about it and kept it all inside and didn't change it.

It's sad really that so many people waist so much time thinking about what they want to do in their lives instead of just doing it.  Is it because some of us are afraid to fail or are afraid that we may not get the results we wanted?  I don't know and I'm sure that answer is different for each individual person. 

But what I've learned, like it or not, CHANGE is inevitable.  You can't avoid it.  Sooner or later it will catch up to you and the longer you avoid it the bigger it gets.  In my opinion, more frequent smaller changes are better than one big one (unless the change is a big change on it's own).  I am not learning this and it is a painful lesson learned. 

Without change some things would die.  Without change ideas would never flourish.  Without change people would never meet, families would never begin and lives wouldn't be born.  Without change we are left with a bunch of boring and easy decisions that would lead to our ultimate demise.  Change is essential in all our lives to live lives that are not without purpose.  But it is our own responsibilities to face change with courage, grab it as tight as we can and embrace it. 

Changes may not always be easy but it's what builds our character; it makes us who we are.  I have accepted that change has sought me out, settled in and announced that it is not budging until I choose to take it by the hand and move forward.  I have begun to move forward and with each step my smile and laugh strengthens.  With each step I grow a little stronger.  With each step...happier. 

I will leave you with the words of Blind Melon, the song Change...

I don't feel the suns comin' out today
its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I don't
think I'll ever see the sun from here.

And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and say, and they'll say,
Hey look at him! I'll never live that way.
But that's okay
they're just afraid to change.

When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways will work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today.
and then they'll paint it

And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and they'll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.