Letting Go & Moving Forward

So, I haven't blogged since 12/22/2010.  I needed a break even though my break from blogging wasn't really a break from my reality.  I got lost there in the holiday magic (or hell, however you look at it) and took a short hiatus.  Well, I'm back for the new year and I have new goals and stuff!  I am going to share...sorry for the rambling I'm about to do. 

Do you know what it feels like to walk around all day feeling numb because you've alienated everyone around you so much that you haven't been touched in years?  Do you now what it's like to hurt all over and not know why and eat Tylenol, Motrin, Advil or Alieve like candy on a daily basis, several times a day?  Do you know what it feels like to feel so utterly alone even though you have a husband and 2 children along with a bunch of pets around you all the time?  Do you know what it feels like to think you are dying every time you have an anxiety attach because you feel like you're having a heart attack?  Do you know what it's like to not have any friends because no matter how much you explain how you feel they still don't understand and tell you that they know exactly how you feel but really don't?  I do.  I don't want to feel that way anymore...it sucks.  It is really like they say in that commercial, "Depression Hurts."  It hurts mentally & physically.

I can't sit here and say that all or even a large amount of my depression was due to the baby blues as I know better than that.  There have been some instances, words said, things done, events unfolded, feelings broken and so on, and so on, over the years that have contributed to where I am today.  Actually my depression is why I created a blog in the first place.  November was a very low time for me and I think I've pulled myself back up out of the hole quite nicely.

You know how when you start using a new face cleanser, you have an initial break-out then your skin becomes clear?  Well, the same thing happened when I started therapy early last summer.  Much of what I went there for in the beginning was just a mask for what really was about to come out.  As I continued to go my feelings came to the surface and I started seeing things a bit differently.  Well, just as you get pimples and irritations from using a new face cleanser before you skin clears and is smooth and bright again, all my pent up feelings about EVERYTHING came to the surface.  It seemed that they all came at once and trapped me underneath.  I couldn't breath...I couldn't think...I couldn't function.  All I did was cry during the month of November. 

The reality of what I wanted and what I actually had hit me harder than a Mack Truck.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I have a great family.  I have 2 beautiful daughters of my own and an equally beautiful step-daughter as well and we have a roof over our heads with heat, running water, food, electricity, television and all the luxuries we take for granted day after day.  I have a great job now as well.  But selfishly...I am unhappy.  The things that have transpired over the past years and the feelings I've put aside and that have been ignored or that fell to the wayside came back with a vengeance.  That hurt...more than I thought it would have. 

I have decided that I am going to do 3 things this year: 1.) LOSE WEIGHT!!!  Really, I can do this and it needs to come off.  I want to be the beautiful, strong and intelligent woman I know I am, 2.)  BE MORE POSITIVE!!!!  All the negativity that surrounds me is numbing and has drug me down...I can't take it anymore, and 3.)  Take careful inventory about what I want in my future, who it is that breaks me down and who are the ones that make me feel good about ME.  I have no more room for those who like to make me feel less or that make me feel like a big jerk when I've done nothing to deserve it. 

I will be 40 in 2 years and there are specific goals I've set for myself and I will make them happen.  Happiness is #1 on the list.  The others are things I will keep inside my head and tell myself each morning to strive for.  Happiness & being stronger always seemed so far away from me...I can see it now and I will have it.

Peace and I wish everyone a WONDERFUL 2011!!